Origin Story of Project Chloroplast

She was born in a botany laboratory, the result of billions of research dollars and thousands of scientist's man hours. Every couple hours she was pulled from her soil and studied. She was constantly injected, and her dirt fertilized, with chemicals whose names were so complex they'd tie the tongues of even seasoned lab technicians. They didn't know that she could feel, and think during all of this: every searing microscope examination, every violating stab of the needle, every chemical burned her inside and out. But there was simply no way to for her to communicate her misery.

Things only got worse when she sprouted her first cotyledon. Clearly, the scientists had gotten what they were after with her, so the examinations increased in frequency and invasiveness.

Quickly, she grew out of her Petri dish and into a glass box. Now, she was too large for the scientists to use their microscopes, so they instead cut off tiny pieces of her to put under their microscopes. It hurt even worse than their needles and she would scream every time, calling to her missing parts. There were plants in the room, and they would wince at her agonized yells, but the people in lab coats didn't seem to hear her at all.

Her glass box was too small to contain her eventually. The scientists moved her to a large glass tube, away from her precious soil. Instead, they gave her measured amounts of sunlight; just enough to keep her alive. It was in this glass tube that she realized she could move and discovered, much to her dismay, that she looked like one of the people, not the plants with whom she could converse.

Though she looked like them, the scientists were still cruel to her, giving her water laden with chemicals and constantly cutting off pieces for their tests: all but one. There was one yellow-haired young man she liked very much. He would never cut her pieces off, and, when it was just the two of them in the lab, he gave her fresh water and turned up the sunlight so she had enough strength to stand. As the months passed, he taught her how to understand the language of the humans and, when she had enough sunlight, he could hear her talking.

Then, it all came to an end. Their funding was cut, the scientists had to shut down the lab and that meant destroying all of their research subjects: they had enough data to reproduce them all if funds were restored anyway. They grabbed a torch and approached her tube. She was too weak to fend them off, too weak to stand, too weak to make them hear her screams.

But the other plants heard her. They heard her desperation and something inside moved them to great feats: the trees threw their mighty boughs at the scientists, and the vines wrapped around legs and necks. A flower toppled its pot and flicked on the light switch behind her tube. Within a few moments, she had the strength to break herself free and fled the lab, only glancing once over her shoulder at the sign above her cell: Project Chloroplast.

The yellow-haired lab technician met her outside the building and brought her to his house where she lived in the backyard, gleefully feasting upon the bountiful sunlight and growing an impressive garden, while the heat died down from the incident at the lab. She taught herself better command over her leafy brethren and how to channel the sun's power; he taught her that not all humans were bad.

Now, embracing her moniker as Project Chloroplast, she seeks out anywhere there are weak being abused by the strong and rights that injustice.

"They call him The Elephant"...

… said Sergeant Major Colin Buckingham.

"Why's that, sir?" asked the sniveling and forgettable private lucky enough to find himself in the presence of the Army's most innovative officer.

"Because he's an elephant."

The private looked confused. To his mind, elephants were lumbering creature, totally incapable of performing secret missions on behalf of the military. But his mind was wrong. The Elephant was, as his name implied, utterly unstoppable once he'd built up momentum, able to recall even the most minute details of anything he'd encountered before, and proficient in charming audiences with tricks. In short, the stupid private did not realize, when he spoke his next words, that he was insulting the greatest agent the world has ever known out of sheer ignorance. "But wouldn't an elephant make a terrible soldier?"

Sergeant Major Buckingham glared at him. "Evidentially not."

Destination: Iowa

Iowa. I've been there a handful times, considering my mother was born and raised there, and it's a place I remember very little about. Perhaps this is due to its similarities to non-Twin Cities Minnesota, or perhaps that the rumors of it being the most boring state since Kansas (which I can accurately attest to) are true. Either way, they allowed gay marriage recently. This is, probably, unrelated to the reason I'm attending the state which is the first marriage of my friends of immediate acquaintance.

I've been told by a number of people the early-to-mid-20s are when all of my friends get married, but I always replied with, "Clearly, you haven't met my friends." But I'm now eating those words as, outside of this Iowan union this weekend, another set of friends are to be wed come September. Not to mention my former roommate got married late last year without inviting, or even informing, me. So, clearly, the nerds are able to find partners in crime.

Getting to this wedding, as it's in Iowa and I'm in Indiana, is going to be an experience. Two cheap folks, myself and girlfriend, are hitting the road. We've already got grand plans involving audio books and coolers of preconstructed sandwiches. Though I suspect, after the first two hours, it'll just become the menagerie of misery and tardiness that road trips always become.

We're not the only ones from my circle of friends attending this wedding. No less than a gang of eight people who will probably be introduced by the groom as, "My gaming buddies," are going. Together, we stood shoulder-to-shoulder against demons, dragons, and sarcastic elves, which is probably why we had to bully him into even inviting us to the wedding. We discovered he was even dating the girl in December, a month later, we read a post on his Facebook congratulating him on the engagement. Fearing that he was planning to exclude us, we frantically began a campaign to ensure that his wedding was geeked-up a bit with talk of base attack bonuses and the similarities between dragonborn and dwarven culture. He probably anticipated only one or two of us making it, certainly not the band of eight we're bringing.

It's odd, really. The people who stepped up for this are people who normally refuse to even drop the greenback to go see a movie. People who, really, aren't that close to the guy. Heck, none of us really were, just his gaming group and we've barely exchanged words with him the last two years. Maybe he is more beloved than I'm giving credit for, but I suspect it's this wedding phenomenon.

Weddings are clearly important, they're one of those big moments in someone's life because they combine uniqueness, with a sense of general love and good will, with a party that possesses cake. On the other hand, they're the ultimate beacon for fair-weather friends (My WUNT article on the subject). Which, I suppose, is what I've become for admitting both that I wasn't really close to the guy anymore, and that I'm poor and cheap and can't afford trips; but I'm still going.

In this case, I justify it with wanting to reconnect. I don't expect that he'll move back to Minnesota and rejoin the ol' dungeon crawling group, but just being able to include him on my list of people I chat with now-and-again online is enough. I've maintained quite a few friendships that way. That way, if I'm ever traveling through Iowa again, I can crash at his place for free.

So far, so alright

I've already spent more time working on this particular blog than any other. Sure, there's not much content here, but I'll be damned if it isn't rife with pretty colors--I opted to go with black and white, with just a dash of pink--and laden with wonderful features to the right of these words right here.

Also, it appears my font changed. This sucks, because I hate sans-serif. Gotta take care of that before I write anything of substance.

Here we go again

This is the sixth blog I've tried to make since deciding I was a writer. Traditionally, I've always made the first post self-referential and, in spite of the overwhelming success of those previous projects, the theme is sticking. This is because I feel a need to justify the project, having spit upon the concept of blogs for much of my life.

Essentially, I hated blogs because they're just a bunch of assholes writing their opinions online and pretending everyone cares. Then it occurred to me that 90% of professional writers fall into the same "assholes who think people care" definition. And so, I either had to revise my opinions of blogs or admit that writing is bogus, and I refuse to do that. Thus, this was created.

Why I think this particular incarnation will succeed, at least better than the previous projects, is that I'm embracing the spirit of engaging in selfishness, unabashedly; it's like I'm writing a cover letter. In that same spirit, creating a body of writing so that people who hire people with bodies of writing have a body of writing to refer to. Basically, yes, I'm trolling for a job with this. If you happen to know anyone, let me know. The final reason I have hope in this project, is that I'm presently blogging for WakeUp Naptown!, an Indianapolis-area blog, and have already come up with numerous ideas for entries that are either too long, too short, too fictional, or too fantastic to include on that website, thus creating a need for a dump such as this.

So here you are, reading about what I think and, yes, I do think that you care if you've made it this far. To many happy returns.